


At the edge of the abyss

by boleyn13



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Character Death, Depression, Drama, Hurt/Comfort, Identity Issues, Loki & Tony Stark Friendship, Loki-centric, M/M, Odin's A+ Parenting, Other, Psychological Torture, Psychological Trauma, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-23
Updated: 2015-06-26
Packaged: 2018-04-05 19:45:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 15,397
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4192578
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/boleyn13/pseuds/boleyn13
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Loki felt the touch of Death for the first time when he was just a little boy, playing with his brother. Years pass and he can never shake it off entirely. Hunted by the discovery of his true heritage Loki forgets who he is and stops running. While he is falling through the void Death reaches out for him again and Loki is more than willing to accept his helping hand. However Loki gets pulled from the void and is given a new purpose. But Death simply will not let him go.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everybody,
> 
> Just a few words before we get started. This idea wouldn't leave me alone, tormenting me to get it down on paper. It's about two 15000 characters long, so I will update it in two parts. Part 2 is going to be posted in a few days.  
> Please check out the tags, we're entering dark territory. I still hope you'll enjoy it though. Have fun.

The first time Loki saw him he was just a young boy.

It was an exciting period of his life, when he felt for the first time the power slumbering inside of him. Something so entirely different, something that had nothing to do with Thor and something most people couldn’t comprehend.

Little flames that he could create with the slightest movement of his fingertips. When he concentrated hard enough he could change the colour of his hair. From black to woven gold. Like Thor’s. Loki didn’t liked it very much, but he was filled with incredible joy, because he had been able to do it.

Never in his short life Loki had been more eager. Eager to learn, eager to explore and to train his abilities. His mother began tutoring him, told him about all the things he might achieve one day. Changing his appearance, taking on any form he’d like. Travelling by the power of his will, jumping between worlds without the Bifröst. And she told him that he had to be careful, that he was still young and lacked experience. Small spells, tricks, since he was nothing but a child. The time would come for him to unleash fire, earthquakes, smoke and destruction if he wanted to.

When Loki showed the little green flames to his brother Thor was excited, mesmerized even. He wanted to touch them, to feel if they were warm, burning his skin or a mere illusion. Loki saw admiration in his eyes and it made him all more enthusiastic to become a real mage. To master his magic and to explore its wonders.

Sometimes Thor even joined him, watching his little brother how he tried to levitate Thor’s sword by weaving his fingers. Those were the happiest moments, together with his brother and the feeling to do the very thing he was born for. Each and every day Loki felt his magic growing and pulsing in his veins, the reason for all his joy.

Loki was so young and he wanted more. Wanted to become a lion, a snake, a bird, a fish, a wolf, another Asgardian. Maybe one of the guards, Thor or even his own father. Loki wanted it all and he didn’t want to wait. His own hurry had been even more fuelled by Thor.

So one day it wasn’t enough to let the little flames dance on his fingertips. A strong desire burned in Loki’s chest, hotter than the fire on his skin. He wanted to be the fire himself. Therefore Loki let the flames grow, searched the power within himself and put everything into it. The fire flared, grew and Loki had to realise that he lost control of it. Within seconds the fire engulfed him, it ate on his limbs, making every part of his skin ache.

Thor’s screams, someone coming through the doors, shouting. Pain. So much pain.

The cold tiles of the floor beneath him, Loki felt his body giving out. It was nothing more than a destroyed, hurting shell. No matter how young and foolish Loki was, he was able to feel his heartbeat slowing. Giving out.

Loki was dying.

Then he saw him for the first time, but Loki had been too far gone to realise who he was. All Loki knew was that he scared him, that he hadn’t even known fear before seeing him. Standing right in front of him, dressed in a black robe, his skin paler than the brightest star in the sky above Asgard. Instead of eyes there were only two dark holes in his skull. A man without eyes and Loki still knew that he was being stared at. He wasn’t touching him, he wasn’t even coming closer, but Loki felt the coldness. The heat of the fire that had destroyed his body was gone, instead Loki was freezing. Trying to gather his last strength Loki wanted to crawl away from this man. Getting out of his reach, he was so young, he was scared, he wanted…

Someone reached out for him and Loki desperately held on to life although it was slipping away. The last bit of warmth was gone and the man without eyes, without skin loomed over him. Darkness seeped from the holes in his skull, forming shackles that wrapped themselves around Loki’s wrist and ankles. They were so cold that Loki screamed in agony only to have the darkness gagging him.

Tears filled Loki’s eyes and only one single thought crossed his mind. “I do not want to die.”

 ***

Loki woke up to the sound of his mother crying. Every single part of his body hurt, his head was heavy and his thoughts were clouded, but Loki was alive. His recovery took two months and as soon as he was strong enough to leave his bed, his father slapped him so hard, Loki started to cry. They told him that he had almost left the realm of the living, it had taken Asgard’s finest healers to save him and they insisted that it had been pure luck.

A year after the incident the scars had faded thanks to magic and Loki’s incredible healing powers. Time went by and Loki surpassed his mother’s expectations. The whole court talked about his magical powers that were beyond comparison. Loki knew that they were proud of him, but it was yet so strange. He was told about there was no other mage who could match his abilities, he was complimented for his achievements and they used his talents in battle. So why did Loki still feel like all of this wasn’t considered important? How could he receive a compliment and be sure that these were only empty words?

In hindsight Loki couldn’t name the moment when it started. Sadness was slowly creeping into his heart. The years passed and Loki left the happy, little boy he had been behind. Asgard got to know an immensely powerful mage whose physical appearance didn’t resemble his brother at all. Thor and him couldn’t be more different. One always laughing loudly while the other one wore that melancholic look on his face.

 ***

The second time when Loki saw him he was falling.

He had expected, even wished to see him as soon as he had let go of Gungnir. The void swallowed him and Loki fell. There was nothing else to be found in the darkness. Just Loki and nothing to keep his own mind from torturing Loki. Filling the black nothingness with the voices and pictures that were hunting him. Gnawing on his skin, tearing at his hair, latching themselves onto his eyes, so even when he closed them he saw nothing but blue.

Opening them didn’t make any difference. Darkness was swallowing him and he continued to fall deeper into it. Nothing was here to protect him. The voice was his father was ringing in his ears, over and over again. “No, Loki.”

His skin perfectly remembered the touch of the Jotun. How it hadn’t hurt him in the least bit, it hadn’t even felt unpleasant. What it made it all the more terrible.

All around him Loki saw Asgard cheering for Thor, he felt the slap of his father, his mother crying. The disapproving murmurs, the stares and he wasn’t good enough. Never good enough.

So Loki fell, his mind constantly mangling itself and the nothingness around him appeared to be endless. For some time Loki had tried to call for help, but his voice got lost. Asgard’s cheers, his father’s disappointment in him and the sound of his mother crying were too loud. Only when his throat got so sore it hurt Loki realised that he must have been screaming for hours. Or had it been longer? Time didn’t exist here.

It could have been years or even centuries when finally something filled the emptiness. A proof that Loki wasn’t dead yet, that this wasn’t how he was going to spend the rest of eternity. Someone was here and Loki could tell that this person was real. His mind hadn’t left him yet.

Loki raised his head, a task almost too hard to achieve and finally, finally he saw him. In the void the idea of time didn’t exist and it was the same with the concept of distance. Just by holding out his hand Loki would be able to touch him and at the same time he was completely out of reach.

To Loki though it didn’t really matter, because he was here and he was beautiful. The memory of a monster without eyes quickly faded away and Loki wondered if it had been a mere creation of his young, confused mind. Yes, it was the only explanation. There had never been a… monster. How could there have ever been a disfigured shadow who had tried to take him by force when Loki right now looked into two marvellous greyish eyes.

It was him, Loki could feel it. Yes, Loki’s body was still caught up in the memory of a completely different skin, the burn his father’s hand had left on his cheek, the weight of Mjolnir on his chest when Thor had put it there. His senses were dulled, overwhelmed and Loki was tired beyond words, but he could still tell with most certain conviction that it was him. An unmistakable aura.

There was something else now in the void, something real, something else than Loki’s memories and pain. It was slightly soothing, but Loki was still lost. He wasn’t close enough. How desperately Loki wanted to have him closer.

In his eyes there was a soft expression, his thin lips hinted at a smile and Loki drank in his appearance. Black still seemed to be the colour he favoured for his clothes, but they looked… different? No, he has always looked like this. A slender body, wrapped in a black cloak, a shock of light brown hair and a fair face. He was beautiful.

If the void hadn’t drained him of all his emotions Loki’s heart would have burst with joy to see him. Or would he have yelled at him if his throat had allowed him to utter a single sound? The emptiness would have swallowed his voice nonetheless. Loki’s body may have been weak and fragile, but his mind managed it to free himself for a few seconds to scream with all his might. “Where have you been?!”

There was no answer, the other one just looked at him. Not apologizing, not demanding anything of him. But he was here, wasn’t he? He couldn’t be an illusion, the image of Loki’s desperate wish. That couldn’t be.

Suddenly the cheers got even louder, deafening Loki’s ears and in between there was his father’s voice. “Laufey’s son.” Over him, under him, everywhere. “Laufey’s son.” Loki was desperately pulling, using all his force, but Mjolnir wouldn’t budge. He was unworthy. They were cheering for Thor, Mjolnir in his hand. Unworthy. Laufey’s son. Unworthy. His skin as cold as ice. Unworthy.

There was no pain more fierce than wanting to scream and not being able to.

Tears were filling his eyes and to blink them away took the last bit of strength from him. He was ready, he had jumped, he wanted it to stop.

A hand reached out for him, too far away and Loki could feel its warmth. Fingers gently touched his cheek, a thumb grazed over his skin and then everything suddenly came to a halt.

Loki had always preferred being by himself to the company of others, but now he realised that he had never really known the sweetness of silence. The voices and cheers subsided, fading away into the distance and Loki’s body belonged to himself again. His eyes only saw him. Eventually he could breathe, could think and the pain was forgotten. One touch and Loki felt free. He was at peace and he knew it would stay like that forever if Loki fell into his arms.

Nothing else mattered anymore but Loki’s desire for him and he could see in his grey eyes that he wanted Loki too.

The last reminder of his agony slipped away when he also put his other hand on Loki’s cheek, cradling his face. Full of tenderness and care. His touch was so warm, lulling Loki to sleep, putting his mind finally to rest. He wanted to fall asleep in his arms and continue to feel like he did now. It was beautiful.

“It is going to be alright. Everything is fine.” A deep, yet soft voice that sounded as pleasant as music. Loki could trust him and so he did. Closing his eyes he let out a deep breath, focusing on how the oxygen left his lungs and waited. He felt the other one coming closer, pulling Loki to him, ending his tantalizing wait for him.

The silence was suddenly torn apart by someone screaming. Loki had forgotten the sound of his own voice. With unstoppable speed the pain rushed back into his body. His limbs were screaming in agony, the memories were all too present in his mind. The warm hands fell from his face and his skin turned cold.

No, no, please don’t. Don’t leave me alone again.

Forced by shock and pain Loki opened his eyes wide and he frantically tried to fight the invisible force that tore him away from him. Within seconds Loki was so far away that he couldn’t even tell anymore if his eyes were grey or blue. Soon he was just a dark spot in the distance and Loki screamed, struggled, tried to summon his drained forces to fight whoever was dragging him away, but pain and weariness wouldn’t let him as Loki was pulled from the void. Leaving behind was he desired most to only heat his longing for it.

***

Judging by the poor state of his body Loki thought he must have been at least a few years in the void before Thanos pulled him from it. All that was left of the great trickster were bones covered by skin. His sensed needed hours to adapt to all the movement, light and sounds around him. It was different from the void, he wasn’t constantly hunted by his memories, but they still wore him down like a heavy burden on his shoulder. When Thanos approached him Loki tried to gather all magic left inside of him for an attack. Loki didn’t care who he was or what he might do to him. He pulled him from the one place where he had felt safe and secure. His feeble attempt was met by mocking laughter.

Although he seemed amused by Loki’s fight Thanos was displeased by him and offered him to the Chitauri, they should teach him some manners until he was willing to listen. So they tortured him or at least they tried to. Loki welcomed every bit of it. Every cut into his weak flesh, every burn, every stroke was a promise. A promise to bring him back to the place where he came from. He brought up no resistance, giving in easily, hoping his body would succumb soon, so he would come back again. He would make everything better. No pain could be so terrible that he wouldn’t make it go away.

The lack of screams or pleading them to stop made the Chitauri seek out their master, they seemed to never have encountered someone like Loki. He couldn’t be broken, because he already was. Torture didn’t do anything to him, he wanted more of it. Loki had no idea what Thanos told them, but his tormenters changed their strategy. The objects they used to cause him physical pain disappeared and instead they locked him into a dark room, similar to the void. The voices and the pain returned quickly to him, but this time Loki wasn’t falling, he could move. He tore at the walls, pounded against the door, trying to remember poems, spells, songs, anything to keep his mind busy. As if the darkness wasn’t enough, they healed him, treated his wounds, gave him to eat so he would grow stronger again. First Loki refused, so they forced him.

Again he lost the notion of time, trapped in the darkness.

Unworthy. Laufey’s son. Left to die. Skin as cold as a Jotun’s touch. Unworthy.

Once again Loki’s sanity started to leave him, only this time his body remained healthy and strong. He would have to endure this for all eternity. If his body didn’t break, he wouldn’t come for him. After a while Loki couldn’t even scream for him anymore. He was sitting on the floor, covering his ears, because they voices were so loud now they actually hurt him. They were everywhere, replacing everything Loki had ever felt or known, even his wish to get away from them.

It was impossible to tell how much time had passed when the Chitauri opened the door and Loki was brought before Thanos. This time he listened, because he couldn’t go back to this room. Thanos knew about his pain, knew about what hid under his skin, knew what Odin had done. He called it a crime, an act of treachery.

_Yes. Yes, this was the truth, wasn’t it? Odin had stolen him, he had left him no chance. Hadn’t he always favoured Thor? No matter how much of a good son Loki had been. Had given the crown to Thor although Loki had always been so much more attentive and smarter. Odin hadn’t given the throne to Thor, because he saw potential in him, but only because he thought Loki unworthy. Because he knew that there was nothing Loki desired more than the throne of Asgard and Thor at his feet. Yes…_

_The throne? Loki’s memory was clouded. He felt like there was something else, something else he had wanted… There was Thor looking at him with bright, amazed eyes. Flames dancing on his fingertips… Laughter…_

_Didn’t they all cheer for him, Loki? Not even one of them thinking of you? Even considering you as the king?_

_No…_

_Because to them you’d always be the stolen Frost Giant. A monster. A freak that even among monsters nobody would want, so they left it to die. Asgard didn’t think any different about you._

_But they didn’t know… Thor…_

_You parents did, that’s why you were always sloppy second. That’s why they didn’t give you the throne you deserved. The one you wanted more than anything. And what did you get? Thor tossed you into the abyss, your own brother…_

_Yes…_

_Odin’s plan didn’t work out, so he threw you away. Never even bothered to look at your greatness, your power, how much better you were than Thor. Than all of them. Left you without a purpose. Left you standing in the shadows while they were cheering Thor’s name. The golden prince bathing in the sun while your skin is made of ice. You were tossed aside, Loki._

_Yes, they abandoned him… now he was without family, without friends, without a home, nothing to fill the emptiness…_

_Do you want a purpose, Loki? I can give you a purpose._

_Yes… he wanted a purpose, he wanted power… he wanted… a throne…_

_***_

After the green creature had beaten him into the ground Loki felt like waking up from a very long dream. For a moment everything was peacefully silent. No voices in his head and his surroundings lay in complete silence as well. Loki didn’t need to take a look around to know that he had lost. It wasn’t like he cared.

Maybe Thanos would come for him and kill him in a fit of rage.

If Agent Barton had survived the battle, there was also a strong possibility that he would take his revenge and Loki’s life. Humanity as a whole couldn’t be too pleased with him. He had tried to enslave them and now he was defeated. Clearly he was in for a harsh punishment.

Someone was touching his hair, gently running their fingers through it. Immense relief washed over Loki when he felt his presence, but he didn’t dare to open his eyes, because he feared he would just disappear again. “Are you going to take me with you this time?”

The back of a hand brushed over his cheek. “I cannot, Loki.”

Such comforting touch he was longing for and at the same time those words that were crushing him. Loki needed to see his face, since he wouldn’t take him with him.

Opening his eyes didn’t make him disappear. No, he was sitting on the floor, leaning over him, smiling lightly at Loki. For a moment Loki’s body forgot how to breathe, because he was too mesmerized by the figure in front of him. Had the nothingness in the void concealed most of his beauty? Or was this another time that Loki’s memory fooled him?

Grey eyes, so bright and clear that they reminded him of an eagle. Sharp cheekbones that made a beautiful face even more appealing. Round lips that looked soft and were of the loveliest shade of pink. His auburn hair fell into his eyes, framing his face perfectly. Yet he wasn’t just beautiful, but the aura that surrounded him drew Loki to him. He was so calm, even and promised peace. Though his skin was slightly pale it felt so warm.

“Why not?”

He smiled softly at Loki and brushed the tousled hair from his face. “Because it has to be your choice to come with me.”

This didn’t make any sense. There was nothing that Loki wanted more. “I chose to go with you when I let go and fell.”

“A lot has happened since then. Either you aren’t ready or you don’t want it enough.”

Loki didn’t understand, but he knew better than to argue. Instead he tried to reach out for him, but he only grabbed thin air. What a fool he was. Dropping his hand Loki closed his eyes again and waited for the Avengers to come and to do the deed. The voices arrived before them.

***

“I insist on bringing my brother back to Asgard. Instantly. He will be judged there for his crimes against Midgard.”

“Sorry, point break, but I must heavily object. Crimes against Midgard. He stays here and we’ll judge him.”

“Stark, that’s not for you to decide.”

“No, but I am the one who prevented Manhattan from blowing up in a nuclear holocaust, so I got a gold star in being a hero. Keep your parade and the medals, I want to have a say in this. I saw those fucking things in fucking space and there’s more to come. Not today, not tomorrow, but they are for sure pissed off that I blew them up. We don’t know shit about them and I honestly don’t have much of an idea what we do when they come back and we don’t have a key to close the portal. Well, as much as I hate to admit it, the bag of cats knows and therefore he should stay here for a while. Until we’ve found out what we are up against.”

“I fear this is unacceptable. My brother must be…”

“Wait a second. As much as it pains me to admit it, but Stark has a point there. It would be straight up negligence to let him go now. We need to have more information and since he is the only damned survivor of this attack…”

“Hell, we’re not fucking handing him over to his dad who’ll give him a slap on the wrist and that’s about it! He was in my fucking brain! I want him in front of a tribunal on earth!”

“Calm down, Clint. We’re not letting him go.”

“Friends, the All-father will not be pleased if I don’t return…”

“Pleased? Sorry, Thor, but if someone’s allowed to be displeased by this whole fucking thing, it’s Earth. Us!”

Loki listened to them argue, standing just a few feet away and he couldn’t care less. Asgard or Midgard. In the end it would all be the same. Sitting there Loki had his eyes fixed on the Avengers and Fury, though disinterested. His hands were bound together, a muzzle over his mouth, to keep him from killing anyone or from poisoning his guards with his words. If he hadn’t felt so weak and broken, he would have laughed at their attempt to cuff him. Normally they wouldn’t have a chance to keep him from using his magic.

It seemed like Thanos had sucked all magic out of him to keep him in line. Now even ordinary metal was enough to tie the trickster down. Not for long though. Loki already felt his magic returning to him. This was also the reason why Thor urged the Avengers to bring him back to Asgard. He knew very well that they didn’t have the means to lock up a mage like Loki. Then again there was no way Thor had an idea of how fragile Loki was at this very moment. Even a simple illusion wouldn’t be possible right now. Weeks of helplessness lay in front of Loki. Thor probably thought it be a couple of days, at most.

Whatever was going to happen to Loki during the weeks, he would have to accept it. Good thing that he didn’t care.

Democracy celebrated a victory and Thor scowled. Loki was transported to a secret S.H.I.E.L.D base where they tried to intimidate him. Even after Loki trying to take over his world, they still had no idea what fear actually was. They tied him to a platform and left him alone in a room with white walls and a strange mirror.

As always when he was alone the voices got louder and Loki felt the disgusting coldness of his skin. There were tiles on the ceiling and on the walls. Loki could count them, he could imagine drawing lines and patterns on them. He kept his mind busy and it helped to suppress everything else a little bit.

After less than 10 hours Fury entered the room, a grim look on his face, behind him two other guys. Big, stern expressions on their faces, their eyes filled with hatred. So Fury’s intention was to scare him. Loki would have laughed, but he cared even too little to make fun of him. At least Fury got straight to point after telling Loki what a mere piece of shit he was.

“You tell us everything you know about the Chitauri. Every little detail, no matter how unimportant it is. I want to know everything about your alliances. Who. Where. How. You leave nothing out. Did you get that?”

“I have nothing to say to you.”

Fury probably expected as much and nodded towards his henchmen. They slowly approached, standing on the left and right side of the platform.

“You do realise that we have certain measure to make you remember things that you might have forgotten.”

The not so hidden threat was followed by a demonstration. Loki couldn’t turn his head far enough to see who of them did it, but a sharp, stinging pain suddenly rushed through his body. Some kind of electric shock, he could tell that much. Even though he was weak and tired Loki barely had to grit his teeth. Fine, he would laugh at that. “You foolish mortal… you want to threaten me with pain? I endured pain you can’t even imagine. You posses neither the tools nor the power to hurt me. The weapons you might use on me will break and if you succeed in making me bleed… believe me, it will rather entertain me than making me beg for mercy. You have nothing on me. So please, get on with it. It will be a wonderful way to pass time.”

Fury desperately tried to not let it show, but Loki saw that he was so angry, he probably wanted to kill Loki. He wasn’t only angry, he believed Loki. “Don’t underestimate the creativity of us mortals.”

This time Loki’s laugh was genuine and he hoped they would finally get to it.

 ***

The mortals didn’t especially enjoy inflicting pain, unlike the Chitauri. Loki didn’t expect and didn’t receive pity, but it was obvious that these soldiers were merely doing their duty. It didn’t last long anyway, so they definitely were smarter than the Chitauri. After half a day they realised that pain was indeed doing nothing to Loki. He even thought hearing one of them muttering something like “Sick bastard’s enjoying it…”

Loki didn’t relish the pain, but it was a means to an end. It kept the voices quiet and distracted him from the other memories. His hope that the mortals would be more brutal than the Chitauri was disappointed. Nothing they could do would be a thread for his life, especially with Thor still being on Midgard.

So after these 12 hours Loki was transferred into another room. This time without cuffs or muzzle. His cell was empty, no window. They called it solitary confinement. It wasn’t bad though as long as there was light and tiles on the ceiling.

After some time Fury showed up again and asked him about the Chitauri and his alliances. Loki remained silent and imagined a painting on the ceiling. He was left alone for a very long time then and since the number of tiles didn’t change Loki grew tired of looking at the same wall over and over again.

Again the voices became so loud he had to cover his ears. It was then he came again to see him. He was standing at the door as if he wanted to show Loki that he could get him out of here in the blink of an eye. He was freedom and beautiful. Alone his presence in the room made everything easier to bare. “Have you made your choice, Loki? Will you come with me?”

Loki wanted to, desperately wanted to, but he didn’t know how.

Somehow Loki must have answered the question, because he somehow disappeared again without saying another word. The cheers and Odin’s voice returned and Loki wished for him to come back.

He didn’t and instead Loki had to face one of the persons he most eagerly didn’t want to see. “You must have pissed them off pretty damn well if they send me in to talk to you, reindeer games.”

Not bothering to look up at Stark Loki kept sitting in a corner. If he ignored him the mortal would soon leave him alone again. “So you’re giving me the silent treatment too. Not very nice of you. Aren’t you bored here? All alone? I would lose my mind if I had nobody to talk to than this stupid wall.”

_Unworthy. Laufey’s son._

“Come on, this is no fun, if you don’t say nothing at all! Don’t you get how extraordinary this is that I’m here? Normally they let more sophisticated people do that job.”

Skin as cold as ice.

Stark realised that Loki wasn’t even hearing him, so he left.

When Thor came to see Loki he was lying on the floor, covering his head with his hands, yet nothing was keeping them out. “Brother…”

“Now you’ve come to see me. It took you quite some time.”

“We’re returning to Asgard.”

_Unworthy! Laufey’s son!_

“Do you remember, Thor? That day when we were just children. When I let the flames dance along my fingers and you looked at them in awe. At what I could do.” Loki opened his eyes to drive away the disapproving look of his father. Instead he saw Thor’s feet, not looking up at him.

His brother’s voice was surprisingly soft when he replied. “Of course, I remember. Back then I still knew who you were.”

“No, you didn’t and neither did I.”

“Loki…”

“Do you remember how father hit me? After I tried to let the flames grow and the fire nearly engulfed me?”

“I will never forget this sight, brother. Sometimes I still wake in the middle of the night and see the flames gnawing on your skin.” A slight tremble in his voice and Loki almost missed it. Why was Thor speaking so lowly and the Warriors three laughing so loudly in his head?

_Unworthy. Silver tongue turned to lead._

“But you do remember Odin striking me as soon as I was healed?”

“Yes, I do. Father was upset that you played with your own life. You almost died, Loki. Because we were children and didn’t know better. He was afraid for your life.”

A hoarse chuckle escaped his lips. “I thought so too. For a very long time. Then I realised that he was only worried about the glamour he put on me. I almost destroyed it by having the flames consume me. I almost revealed what was underneath. I would have discovered what I am and he couldn’t have that. He was so angry that he hit a child that had just jumped of his deathbed. There was no affection in this slap.”

Thor kneeled down in front of him, a hand touched Loki’s shoulder and he flinched back as if his brother had hit him. His touch wasn’t pleasantly warm, but hot, almost burning him.

_Because Loki’s skin was cold_

“Brother, your anger won’t let you see things clearly. Father loves you, he saved your life and now he wants you to return to him.”

“To lock the monster away, never to be seen again. To be forgotten. Laufey’s son.”

_Laufey’s son Laufey’s son Laufey’s son Laufey’s son Laufey’s son Laufey’s son_

“You are Odin’s son! Like me! You are my brother!”

Thor’s hand reached for his shoulders and Loki violently pushed him away. He curled up in the corner of the room and pressed his hands against his ears as hard as he could.

_Laufey’s son Laufey’s son Laufey’s son Laufey’s son Laufey’s son Laufey’s son_

“When I am king I’ll hunt the monsters down and slay them all.”

Loki met Thor’s eyes and saw that the dagger had found his target. There was shame written on his face and Thor let go. Thor stood back up and clenched his fingers to a fist. “I… I have to clear with S.H.I.E.L.D the last details about our departure. I will return in a few hours. I want you to be ready when I get back. The All-father awaits us tonight.”

With those words Thor left him alone and Loki bit his lip to prevent himself from screaming. As soon as Thor had said the word ‘Asgard’ Loki felt his mind being torn in all different directions. He couldn’t make out a single word anymore, it was a loud, aching blur, needles that pierced his brain and wouldn’t let him forget, not even a seconds.

 _Cheering. Unworthy. Frigga crying. Laughing. Unworthy. Skin as cold as ice. Laufey’s son. Unworthy. Unworthy._ _Laufey’s son Laufey’s son Laufey’s son Laufey’s son_

_When I am king I’ll hunt the monsters down and slay them all_

_When I am king I’ll hunt the monsters down and slay them all_

_When I am king I’ll hunt the monsters down and slay them all_

_Monster_

_Slay them all_

Loki screamed and suddenly he was there. Taking Thor’s place and he was the most beautiful sight for sore eyes that Loki could imagine. A breathtaking smile, honest, trustworthy, white teeth and sparkling grey eyes to get lost inside. Soft, slightly curly auburn hair Loki wanted to run his fingers through. He was warm, Loki didn’t need to touch him to know that, but he wanted to. Kiss him, wrap his arms around him and let himself be held. Where no pain, fear and no voice would ever reach him.

If these strong arms held him, he would never have to go back. Asgard would become a distant memory to fade away completely.

_Slaythemallslaythemallslaythemall_

The soft, warm hand caressed his cheek and Loki let out a sob as the voices finally subsided. Sweet silence engulfed him and there was comfort in the other’s smile. Letting him breathe and think clearly. Loki could be Loki again.

“You have made your choice, Loki.” His tone was reassuring and… happy. There was desire in his beautiful grey eyes and something Loki didn’t have the words to describe, so he settled for love. “Come with me.”

Yes…

“I don’t know how… I’m still too weak…” It didn’t matter that he spoke out loud, he didn’t care if someone heard him.

A thumb ran over his lips and Loki let out a shaky breath while Thor’s threat about going back to Asgard was washed away. Nothing had ever sounded as lovely as his voice. “Yes, you know, Loki. You knew all along.”

He was right and Loki leaned forward, resting his forehead against the other one’s. Loki could feel his breath on his skin and a hand curled around the back of neck. It was peaceful and Loki would never leave again.

Closing his eyes Loki stopped fighting for the first time since he had learned about it. Instead he went searching for it. Only once, only this time, then everything would be over. There was coldness, Loki’s instincts shied away from it, but he forced himself to keep going. Fingers tenderly stroked the back of his neck and sweet sounding words were whispered into his ear. “Come with me, Loki.”

He found it.

The door of his cell was opened and Loki felt the coldness rushing into his right palm. The ice felt disgusting and wrong against his skin and yet it was his salvation.

“Fuck, get Thor here now!”

“Loki, don’t…”

“Come with me. I will make them go away.”

Tilting his head slightly upwards Loki closed his fingers tightly around the dagger before ramming it directly into his exposed carotid artery. Blood surged from the cut, painting the floor and wall while Loki fell forwards right into the arms of the other one and into darkness. A relieved smile on his lips.


	2. Chapter 2

Loki woke up. To pain and to the knowledge that he was still Laufey’s son. He couldn’t move, he couldn’t talk, he couldn’t do anything but scream inwardly. Why? How? The mortals had saved him? Why would they do that? How had that even been possible?

His neck hurt, so did his jaw. They had been able to… keep him here. A second time Loki had been torn from those arms that promised him peace.

“I don’t care if he wants to see him! You let point break in here and I will personally blow up his ass!”

“Tony, maybe we should consider…”

“Hell no, don’t give me that shit! For days the psycho in his cell did nothing but sitting there and staring at the wall, the second Thor waltzes in there, he fucking slits his own throat! So for the five hundredth time, no! He can’t see him!”

“Stark, may I remind you of the fact you’re not giving the orders here?”

“Yeah, I just changed that. Jarvis is in control of the door locks, deal with that. If I hadn’t opened the god damned door when Loki started talking to himself, we would have a bled out corpse lying on the floor. Would you have been happy to explain that to Thor? Sorry, your brother showed signs of complete insanity and then killed himself. No, we did nothing but watch.”

Darkness was reaching out for Loki again and he gladly wanted to give in. Whoever was with him in this room was talking way too fast and too loudly. He barely made anything out.

“I’m more worried about the fact that he has the power to create weapons out of ice. Something we didn’t know about before…”

“A power he used to slit his own fucking throat! Jesus! Were you asleep when that happened?! Doesn’t scare me very much when he uses it to splatter his own blood all over the floor! Don’t you think there is a minor possibility that…”

“Tony…”

“… this whole thing has something to do with…”

“Tony!”

“… his brother walking in there and talking about monsters, Loki in flames and slaying them all?”

“Tony! He is awake.”

Feet shuffled over the floor and two shadows lurked over Loki. Only barely he could make out their features. The first voice sounded unfamiliar, but gentle. “Loki, everything’s alright. You lost a lot of blood, but we were able to stop the bleeding. You needed quite a few stitches, you won’t be able to talk for some time. Don’t try to, it will only hurt.”

Loki blinked. If the doctor wanted a sign that he had understood, he didn’t give him one.

“You ruined my favourite Ac/Dc T-shirt, reindeer games. You owe me a new one and you better don’t make me regret using it to save your sorry life.”

While slipping back into darkness Loki tried to treasure this information. The Man of Iron had pulled Loki from his arms. Yes, Loki would make him regret that.

 ***

It was hard to tell who was in charge. Who had decided that Thor wasn’t allowed to see him? And why did Thor respect that? Days passed by and Loki didn’t see a single glimpse of his brother.

Loki woke up from a drowsy sleep and he was standing next to his bed. More beautiful than ever before and completely out of his reach. He looked sad, because Loki hadn’t come with him. Furiously Loki started trashing on the bed, fighting against the shackles that held him in place. His hands were aching to wrap themselves around his own throat, tearing the strings from his skin, opening the cut, so he could fall into his arms.

“Loki, calm down!”

Hands were on him, pushing him down. Burning against his cold skin. He only struggled harder.

“Damn, Loki! Stop it!”

Something pierced the skin of his arm and everything went dark again.

Why couldn’t he stop waking up? Every single time he hated it more. They sent people in to talk to him. This time they didn’t try to interrogate him, but rather tried to find out why he had tried to stab himself. What a weak excuse to find out how he could form a dagger out of ice. Loki didn’t even look at them. He kept reciting old Asgardian poems in his mind, drew pictures on the ceiling.

It only got worse after a line of useless agents, when he found Stark sitting next to his bed. “You’re not taking the easy way out, Rudolph. Most people here don’t give a shit about you dying anyway and I’m not everybody’s darling for saving you. At least you could show some gratefulness.”

Loki glared at him, but Stark didn’t care. “It’s time we have a little talk. You’ve been out for quite a while, thanks to the painkillers. The dose they gave you would have easily killed fifty men and all you do is to sleep for a couple days. Sick… and kinda impressive. What were you and Thor talking about before you tried to kill yourself?”

Turning his head away Loki kept his mouth shut. Stark’s voice was already starting to mingle with all the others.

“Who were you talking to before you did it? There was nobody there, I hope you know that.”

_Laufey’s son_

“I see… you’re going for the mental incapacity routine. Clever. You weren’t in your right state of mind when you tried to conquer earth. With a good lawyer you’ll be off the hook.”

_Unworthy_

Closing his eyes Loki prayed for sleep.

“Hey, don’t ignore me! Oh, fuck you!”

Although he stormed off this time, Stark didn’t leave him alone and when his attempts to talk to Loki only meet deaf ears he didn’t give up, but tried new strategies. Without success, of course. “You know… people around here are starting to shit their pants. Your body is developing a natural resistance against the drugs that are supposed to dampen your magic. Your energy levels are still quite low, but we know that won’t stay that way. Sooner of later you’ll be jumping around again, casting spells and whatever shit you do and honestly we don’t want to have you around when that happens.”

Words, empty words. What was a mortal supposed to tell the god of lies?

“So they’ll send you back to Asgard and you didn’t like that too much the first time. We don’t want things to get repetitive, don’t we? You feel better, Thor decides to take you home, you try to kill yourself, we stitch you back up. We could break that vicious circle.” Stark had the audacity to prop his feet up on Loki’s bed, right next to his face. If this was a try to get him to react, Loki wouldn’t do him this favour. “You tell me something about your little alien friends or the tesseract or maybe even why you chose Earth to fuck with… Only got to open your damned mouth and then those government guys have to find a way to keep you here. Source of information and everything. If you don’t, there is no reason to keep you around. Especially not if you’re soon again able to wreck the place.”

His reasoning would almost be clever if the situation wasn’t entirely different. No, Loki didn’t want to go back to Asgard and he was still too weak to fight his binds. If he talked, they would keep him here. Stark was right about one thing, his powers came back. Maybe they were already working on something to keep him in check, but Loki knew they weren’t going to find a permanent solution. It was only a question of time, then he’d be free and he’d only need to click his fingers to end it all.

Well, if he didn’t talk, what was going to happen? Thor would come back in and they had to let him off this table. No matter how fragile and tired Loki felt if he prepared and concentrated hard enough, he could always summon a dagger. He wouldn't need more than a second. Therefore it didn’t matter. In order to put new cuffs on him, they had to release him from this table and then Loki would be ready.

It was easy to make a decision. Loki didn’t want to talk, least of all to Stark. He remained silent and let the voices drain out Stark’s babbling. He came again and again, talking, whining, mocking Loki and everyone else in this base. Unfortunately Loki wouldn’t have enough time to kill him as soon as he was free.

After the seemingly endless times that Stark entered the room to sit down next to him something changed. For the first time he didn’t open his cursed mouth and instead started reading a book after sitting down next to Loki. Not a single look, not a single word, nothing. Every minute or so Loki heard him turning a page, but that was it. Eventually he had decided to leave Loki in peace. Thank the Nines for that.

Loki closed eyes, let out a deep breath and tried to think of a song his mother had sung for him when he had still been a child. Remembering her gentle voice and the sweet tunes. Yet all he heard was her sobbing and crying, ringing in his ears.

_Laufey’s son. I’ll slay them all._

Why were they so loud now? Why were they drowning out his own thoughts? The cheering wouldn’t stop, only becoming louder and louder. It hadn’t been so loud in a while and Loki couldn’t stand it. He needed something. Anything to make it stop. Driving his fingernails into his palms, Loki spent all the energy he had left. He could feel blood, but the pain wasn’t enough to distract him. Why? Why? Why was it so different now? It was a bitter realisation, but Loki had to accept it, since there was no other explanation. When Stark’s voice had filled the room, Loki had felt better. Hating Stark, hating the words that left his mouth, hating his presence had helped. It took his mind off other things. By now the voices were so loud that Loki was willing to do pretty anything to make them stop.

_UnworthyUnworthyUnworthyUnworthyUnworthy_

“Have you finally given up on making me talk, Stark?”

“Yap.” Not more than this sound, Stark didn’t even lower the book. How dared he? Who was he to ignore Loki?

“Then why are you still here?”

“Because this is the only place in this fucking base where a man can still read a book without getting interrupted by eager agents who want me to do actual work. Could you shut up now? I’m trying to read.”

Books. Loki missed them. It felt like years since he had touched one. They helped him to relax, to unwind…

“You know, Rudolph… I’ve already read this one a few times. You can have it if you want. A chance to get finally of that table too. That’s a limited offer, because thanks to the scans we know that the tranquilizers are still working. You let the doctors give you a shot, you go to sleep and when you wake up, you will be sitting in a chair again. You’ll get a nice pair of cuffs loose enough to let you turn the page of a book. What do you say?”

Nothing he said made any bit of sense. “You just want me asleep so you can hand me over to Thor.”

“Hey, I could easily drug you right now if I wanted to and you wouldn’t be able to do anything about it.”

“So why don’t you? If you think there’s nothing I could do about it? You want to get rid of me anyway.”

“Sorry to disappoint you, reindeer games, but I do enjoy our little talks. Fury wants you gone. Bruce wants you gone. Natasha wants you gone. Hell, Cap even volunteered to carry you all the way to Asgard, but I still think that it’d be better if you stayed here. I’m not letting you go until you told me about what’s still coming. I know there is something and you know what it is. You’re a suicidal idiot and I’m the poor bastard who’s gotta deal with it. So big surprise, I’m trying to distract you from thinking about killing yourself 24/7. Wanna read a book? There you got it, but I’m stupid enough to let you run around this cell with your hands free…”

Right, he wanted Loki’s knowledge. He wasn’t the first one. They had always wanted it. His father, his brother, all of Asgard. A spell, information, a little trick, an illusion. Things only Loki could do, but when it was done, it didn’t matter. Afterwards there would always be cheering. For Thor.

“What do you say, rock of ages? Interested? It’s Shakespeare, I’m sure you’re gonna love it.”

Loki turned his head away and closed his eyes.

 ***

Stark remained by his side, but he was punishing Loki. Not saying a single word, just reading and at the same time the voices tore Loki apart. The numbing silence grew more and more similar to the void everyday. Loki was convinced to see the darkness, slipping into the room, ready to devour him. His mind was crumbling and he couldn’t pick up the pieces, they were scattered everywhere, out of his reach.

He could make it better. He could make it all stop. If he only came here.

But he wouldn’t come.

Loki’s mind was slowly dying and yet all the dirt they were pumping into his veins was helping his body to heal. He was getting stronger. Or at least he wasn’t going to… die.

Instead Loki was dancing on a rope, beneath him the void and he was going to fall. Getting lost in emptiness again, alone with the voices and his cold skin.

Ice

Letting go hadn’t been an act of desperation, this was. Loki didn’t hear his own voice anymore when he asked Stark if he could still take him up on his offer. By now he would let them drug him with pretty much anything if it made it stop. Maybe one of the doctors would hate him enough to give him too much of it and he wouldn’t wake up again.

Stark’s answer was simple. “No.”

_Laufey’s son. Unworthy_

“I’m not blind, you know. Judging by the way you look, you’ll tear your wrist open with your bare teeth as soon as you can bring your hand up to your mouth. You won’t get the book. You keep lying there.”

_When I am king I’ll hunt the monsters down and slay them all! Monster… Laufey’s son_

“But… I could read it to you. If you want to.”

Loki hissed bitterly. “I am not a child!”

“Your loss. Shut up now.”

The second time Stark came to him after this incident Loki fell from the rope. Everything around him turned dark, Stark disappeared and Loki’s blood turned to ice. His limbs became heavy and cold, erasing the last bit of the body he had known. They were laughing at him as it happened. Only his mother was crying. Thor didn’t notice, he only heard them cheer. His father hit him. The glamour on his skin was burning, but he still felt cold. He was nothing but a newborn. Alone in the dark. A disappointment. Unworthy. Even for the offspring of a monster. Left to die. Unworthy. Born to be a king. Left to die. And Thor would slay them all.

He was here.

Grey eyes beaming in the darkness, pulling Loki towards him, but he was still bound. Couldn’t move. He didn’t have to say anything, Loki could hear him calling out to him. Promising to make it all go away, to take care of him and to give Loki the chance to be who he wanted to be. Not a monster. Just Loki. He held out his hand, it’d be warm, but Loki still couldn’t move. His arms and legs attached to some invisible wall.

No, no! Why wouldn’t they let him go? Why couldn’t they let him be with him? Why?! Despairingly Loki tried to shake his shackles off, yanking at them, so his skin and bones would finally break and he could leave. Leave.

“Loki!”

Blood. Yes, he was getting closer.

“Loki, calm down! Listen…”

He could see him, right in front of him…

“Loki!”

A sharp pain, his head was thrown back and suddenly Stark was there. Right between Loki and the hand that was reaching for him. No, not again. Loki blinked and the darkness was replaced by light. White tiles. He was still lying on the bed, Stark was right above him. With wide and bright eyes. Trembling hands on his shoulders and neck. Stark had hit him. “It’s okay, okay. Breathe. Slowly. You’re having a panic attack. It’s okay…”

No…

“Can somebody get in here?! He tore so violently on the shackles, he broke his fucking skin. He’s bleeding all over me! Again! Hey, there, look at me. You’re alright. Calm down, Loki. It’s okay.”

Stark was lying, it wasn’t okay. Then although the darkness had disappeared the pain and the voices remained. The doctors arrived, bandaged his wrist up and he was left alone with Stark again. He still wasn’t talking to him, but watching him with attentive and dark eyes. Even now Loki didn’t hear himself when he asked for his own humiliation. But for all that Stark didn’t gloat nor mock him. He only reached for the book that must have fallen to the floor and started to read.

“So, this is King Richard II talking… I’m not going to do different voices for you, don’t worry… Old John of Gaunt, time-honour'd Lancaster, hast thou, according to thy oath and band, brought hither Henry Hereford thy bold son, here to make good the boisterous late appeal…”

 ***

There was beauty in those words. Beauty Loki had forgotten existed. But he had learned that there had to be a price to be paid. Kindness was bound to self-interest. During the first hour he read to him, Stark succeeded in fighting the voices down and Loki could actually listen. It took some time to understand what those words meant, he didn’t have context or knowledge about the story to be told, but it was poetry. Words not spoken to give information, but to express sentiment, to create something beautiful and to value the words themselves. So Loki listened until Stark stopped with the new king of England on the throne.

“What do you desire in exchange, Stark?”

“Stop scaring the shit out of me by trying to kill yourself. That would be a good place to start.”

“Don’t pretend my life is of any worth to you. When you got the information you want, you’ll get your armour and kill me yourself.”

“So what? You would like that, wouldn’t you? You being all eager to die…”

Loki remained quiet and Stark did the same before he left. Within a single minute Loki heard the cheers again.

He wasn’t sure if Stark was going to come back, but he did. Another book in his hand. “You won’t believe it, but Shakespeare actually wrote a sequel to Richard II. He totally was into the Lancasters. This is only the first part, so we better get straight to it. Henry IV… So shaken as we are, so wan with care, find we a time for frighted peace to pant…”

It became a routine, Stark read to him and Loki listened. There were no conversations, just the words of a dead Midgardian poet and Loki listened.

It happened after Stark had finished reading the second part of Henry IV to him. The door fell closed behind him and Loki started wondering. About what kind of king Henry V was going to be after his father saw him as unfit to rule the country. They reconciled shortly before the old king died, but what was going to happen now? Would he be able to deal with the task of ruling? Did he even want to? And would the court accept him?

The voices returned about two hours after Stark had left him alone and they disappeared when he showed up with a book in his hand.

“Is it a continuation of the story you read to me yesterday?”

For some reason Stark smiled at him. “Good lord, you’re actually eager to hear it. Guess I lost a bet there. Don’t frown at me, reindeer games. Henry V, I got it right here. You mind if we talked a second first?”

“Yes, I want to hear the continuation of the story.”

Why was Stark still smiling?

“So, there actually is something else you want. You know… expect dying.”

Loki bit his tongue, he didn’t want to hear any of that.

“When you said Thor was going to slay them all… who were you talking about?”

_Frost Giants. Laufey’s son_

“If you’re not going to read the continuation of the story to me… you can leave.” Hopefully Stark could hear the bitterness and how little Loki valued his presence.

“Geez, you’re not even saying please. It doesn’t work like that, your majesty. Thor thought you were dead, you were gone. When you left you didn’t have an army and then you show up here with a shitload of aliens. Who helped you?”

To prove a point Loki turned his head away and Stark was pissed off enough to leave him alone. The very second he left Loki’s ears started to hurt from the cheering.

The next day, at least Loki thought that it had been a day, Stark returned and acted as if nothing had happened. Clearing his throat he started to read and Loki breathed easily. Henry V was followed by Henry VI, all three parts. King John. Coriolanus. Hamlet. Macbeth. Othello. Loki fell into a pattern. Whenever Stark was present to read to him, his mind was clear and Loki could think. The immediate time after his exit was the same, as long as he was still thinking about what Stark had read to him. Now that he was reminded of how wonderful it was to be the master of his own thoughts, Loki missed it all the more when the voices took it away from him.

Stark usually left after he had read to him, not without asking him one of his stupid questions that Loki never gave an answer to. Maybe… if Stark stayed a little longer, the voices would stay away a little bit longer. “It was right before you tried to kill yourself. Don’t tell me, it isn’t important. Who did you mean? Who was Thor going to slay?”

By now he didn’t even expect an answer, therefore Loki could clearly see the shock in Stark’s eyes when he muttered “The Frost Giants.”

“Okay… wow… ahm… I wasn’t prepared for that… Now I don’t know what to say, kinda embarrassing… Who are the Frost Giants?”

“They’re monsters.”

“And…”

“And Asgard’s king is going to slay them all. Because they’re monsters.”

Cocking his head Stark looked at him so intently that Loki wanted to break the eye contact. For centuries he hadn’t been able to look inside of himself – how should this mortal be able to do it?

“Got it. Frost Giants. Bad, evil, foes of Asgard. Monsters. What does that have to do with you?”

_Laufey’s son Laufey’s son Laufey’s son… unworthy even for a Frost Giant_

“I guess you record everything that is said in these cells. Why don’t you find out yourself?” Because there was no way Loki was going to say it out loud. Never.

“Maybe I want to hear it from you.”

Loki remained silent.

 ***

By the next time Stark had figured out that him and Thor weren’t really brothers. Reading between the lines on his face was fairly easy. Stark knew and therefore everybody else knew and Loki didn’t care. A monster was a monster, knowing about its existence didn’t change anything. Loki would have loved it if they had left it at that. Unfortunately Stark seemed to be intrigued.

“What I don’t understand… if the Frost Giants are Asgard’s enemies… why would your father adopt one?”

Loki’s lips were sealed.

_Laufey’s son Laufey’s son_

“Political leverage?”

_Unworthy_

“But not telling you about it… kinda a dick move…”

_Laufey’s son_

“Makes him the monster though. Not you. Not until you decided to kill hundreds of innocent people.”

“So why are you still keeping me here? Bring me back to Asgard. Punish me. Or kill me.” The last three words were voiced as a growl and Stark only looked at him. Then he simply opened the book and started to read.

When Loki was alone again he thought about the history of England and wondered how much the actual facts diverged from fiction. His mind remained calm for hours.

***

Loki recognized the object Stark had in his hands instantly. A shiver running down his spine, his skin turning cold. Stark approached only slowly, holding it up high, so Loki could see it all the time. “Stay calm. No panic attack, okay. I’m not going to force you.”

Why would Thor even give him the bracelets that could block his magic, if they didn’t intent to put them on him?

It was odd to see with how little respect Stark treated them, throwing them up into the air and catching them again. Like a toy. “Listen… it’s an offer. From me to you. You could stand up, another room, some books, a fucking bed and maybe something else to kill time. You just have to agree to put them on. For our safety and for yours.”

“Do you think me a fool, mortal? I know them. They’re Asgardian. Thor gave them to you. You want to return me to Asgard. Don’t waste your time lying to me. Just get over with it.”

Sighing in frustration Stark let his head fall back. “You see Thor anywhere? Okay, he gave them to me, but this deal is between Earth and you. It was my idea, so if this goes wrong, I’ll be fucked. I like living dangerously. I’m offering you a bit of independence. Something to pass your time. You’re still a prisoner and there’re conditions. You talk to me and you’ll get a book. But you gotta answer some of my questions. If you’re not willing to do that, you’ll be sent back to Asgard.”

Loki considered his options. More words. Something else to look at than the white ceiling. “It will be you who I am going to talk you?”

“Yap. You’re getting the VIP treatment. Me or Asgard.”

“Do you swear that you’re telling the truth?”

“Would you believe me if I did?”

No, but Loki realised that he wanted to.

 ***

The walls of his new cell were still white, but the covers of his bed were green. There were a small table, a single chair and a pile of books. Literature. Loki devoured them and only stopped reading when Stark came to him to talk. Still Loki didn’t say much.

To his surprise Stark didn’t pressure him. He was quite content when Loki nodded to the question if he had worked for somebody. No further questions were asked. Stark handed him an object he called a Rubik’s cube. To keep Loki’s mind busy.

Three nights later, there was a clock on the wall, Stark asked Loki about his nightmares. According to Stark Loki tossed and turned in his bed, mumbling over and over the words “Laufey’s son”.

In a sudden fit of rage Loki pushed Stark up against the wall and the Captain was in his cell barely a second later. “It’s alright, alright! Don’t!”

Loki let go, feeling strangely ashamed.

_Unworthy_

For over a week not a word passed Loki’s lips and then he finally told Stark that he hated him. For saving his life.

Stark just smiled, handed him a sketchbook and told him he’d talk to him later.

When he returned all the walls of Loki’s cell were covered with paintings and drawings. Finally the white was gone. Stark didn’t talk to him for half and hour, he was busy to look at every single picture and then he wanted to know everything. Were those really dwarfs? Did Asgard look like that? Those are your parents? Svartálfaheimr, how do you even pronounce that? A fucking dragon?! Elves… no kidding… elves.

Loki’s reaction to those questions contradicted his own expectations. The ignorance of this mortal was supposed to disgust him, but he was so eager to learn, to understand and he appreciated everything Loki would tell him. So Loki explained. Every single drawing, every place of the nine worlds, every magical creature he had ever met.

Except for the one thing he drew the most. Stark asked if the pretty guy with the grey eyes had been his lover.

When Stark held the drawing of a Frost Giant in his hands he looked confused, a frown on his forehead and Loki heard the cheers. How could anyone not be disgusted by what he saw there?

“I don’t get it. What’s the big deal?”

“I don’t understand.”

Stark pointed at the picture, his eyes narrowed as if he tried to look harder at it. To see something that wasn’t there. “Two legs. Two arms. Normal proportions, just a little bigger. Blue skin. So? James Cameron made that cool. They have eyes. They don’t look exactly human. Imposing, but not actually scary. Why would you call them monsters?”

“Because they are!”

“Oh, give me a break! Look at the fucking wall! That giant fucking serpent over there with teeth as big as a tree? That kraken? The dragon which eats the souls of the dead? Those could be described as monsters! They don’t build civilisations, they don’t have a society or rules. Frost Giants have a king, so they must have those. Maybe they’re aggressive and dickheads… There are human beings who are worth shit, who are monsters, because we’ve done terrible things. But that doesn’t make all of us monsters. So, judging by the picture you drew… Nope, I don’t see what the fuss is all about. I get that you have no idea who you are and you are be fucked up for life. I don’t doubt that. Nobody can fix what your idiot of a father has done to you and it must feel like shit remembering your own brother saying that he will slay your entire race. You can be upset about that, but you don’t have to worry about the whole monster thing. I’m pretty sure the Frost Giants think of Asgardians as monsters too.”

Nothing else was said during the next two hours although Stark stayed with him. Loki was crouching in a corner, tracing the bracelet with his fingers and distantly remembered who he used to be. When it hadn’t mattered what the others had said. When he had found within himself his identity. It had been magic. Not coldness.

“Thanos.”

A hoarse whisper and one word that weighed heavily on his tongue.

Stark met his eyes and Loki repeated it, his whole body shivering. “Thanos. I fell… and there was Thanos.”

 ***

Talking about the void threw him right back into it. Telling Stark about Thanos and the room filled with darkness tore at Loki’s mind as if he was still there. His skin turned so cold and started to ache so agonizingly that Loki wanted to rip it off. Piece by piece. While talking about the dark thoughts that had filled his head, Loki clawed at the skin of his arm around the bracelet. Trying to hear his own voice, not the cheers.

“Hey there… stop… it’s okay.”

Stark’s hand grabbed Loki’s wrist in soft, but firm grip. His touch was warm and he didn’t flinch back. How? He was a mortal and Loki’s skin was as cold as ice. It should burn him. Not the slightest sign of pain was found on Stark’s face. Loki could see worry. Letting his thumb caress Loki’s skin Stark pulled his arms slowly back, so Loki had to stop hurting himself. Fingers brushed over the scratches. “Don’t do that. It’s alright. We can stop. You’ll continue talking when you feel up to it.”

The two following days Loki didn’t hear the cheers, nor the voices.

 ***

Fear found a way back into Loki’s heart when Stark started to stay away longer. There was no explanation for it. No other than he had gotten what he wanted. Information and now they were done. Loki was going to rot in this cell, his magic bound and left alone with the voices. How could he have told Stark all that?

Fool

Did he really even believe that Stark would return when Loki had given all away that mattered to him?

_Unworthy_

Loki’s drawing started to change, especially his motives and he hid them under his mattress. They were his and not Stark’s to see. If he should ever return.

He did. Smiling, talking loudly and way too fast.

It was impossible to instantly understand what he was telling him, but Loki learned the importance of the course of the next weeks. First they sent the redheaded woman to him and they wanted him to tell her what he had told Stark. Loki refused and his fingers itched towards the scratches on his arm.

Stark made another suggestion. “You’re going to tell me. You already did it once, you can do it again. You can stop anytime you like. She’s going to be in the same room, but you’re going to tell me. Please, Loki.”

He accepted and for a second time he fell into the void, but this time Stark saw it. A soft squeeze of his shoulder and then a hand to hold on to. The void was full of emptiness, but somebody’s hand was on Loki’s wrist. So he couldn’t be in the void.

The widow left, Stark stayed and promised him that he would get him out of this cell by the end of the month. They would have to believe him, because he was telling the truth and Natasha had heard it herself. If they were too stupid to realise that he had been tortured, abused and manipulated like all of them had, then Stark would get Loki out of there without their fucking permission. After saying that he turned to the ceiling and with a grin on his face he shouted “You heard right, you fuckers!”

Loki still didn’t understand, but his lips somehow formed a smile entirely on their own.

Thor was the next one to see him and Loki’s face hardened when he saw him. No words were exchanged, Loki was astonished by how small his brother looked. The whole proud demeanour had vanished. What had happened?

“I am so sorry, brother. I am sorry for betraying you. I should have come looking for you. I am sorry for not seeing the pain you have suffered. Will you give me the chance to try to earn your forgiveness?”

Tracing his fingertips along the bracelets Loki remembered the person he had been. Loki had been a mage and Loki had had a brother. Not a very smart one, they didn’t share the same interests, nor did they look alike, but he had always held his affection. Yes, Loki could remember having a brother and he remembered loving him.

 ***

Endless talks, everybody wanted to hear it, because they didn’t want to believe it. Having someone to blame was nice and easy. After all Loki had insisted so fiercely on wanting a throne. How could that turn out to be a lie? So they made him repeat it, to find holes in his story, to unmask his desperation as deceive.

Stark was always there, barely hiding his anger. When another high agent strolled in and the void reached out for Loki, Stark snapped. “Leave him the fuck alone! Are you guys too fucking blind to see that he’s not faking it?! Every time he has to tell this stupid story, he scratches himself so hard he starts to bleed! What do you want more?!”

By the end of the month Fury showed up and didn’t stop talking. About madness, about trust, about danger, about security, about responsibility, about ten thousand other things that Loki wasn’t interested in and that Stark rolled his eyes at. Finally Stark pushed the other one out of the way grabbed Loki’s arm and his breath got caught when he saw the key to the bracelets in Stark’s hand. “Like we talked about it. You’ll get outta here and stay at the tower, with all the other Avengers around, so Fury here can sleep tonight without pissing his pants. You’ll help us to get ready for Thanos’ invasion. You need your magic for that. When everything’s over and if we’re still alive… you can leave and go wherever you want. So, I’m going to take your bracelets off now.”

Brown eyes stared into his and for the very first time Loki could see fear in them. The Man of Iron was afraid.

“Promise me you are not going to do anything stupid. Promise me you won’t.”

Loki heard Fury clearing his throat, but he saw nothing but Stark’s scared face. Not so long ago it would have given him immense satisfaction, but now Loki couldn’t stand the sight of it. “I swore to myself that I would kill you, Tony Stark. I have no intention to keep that vow. I have no intention to end your life or the ones of your friends. I don’t intent to cause your world chaos and destruction. I don’t intent to rule it either.”

Stark let out a hoarse laugh and shook his head. “Good to know, really. More power to you. But… I was talking about you not trying to kill… yourself. Promise me you won’t kill yourself.”

A faint whisper and Loki remembered what it had been like not wanting to die.

The bracelets clicked, fell to the floor, magic flowed through his veins again and Loki remembered what it felt like to actually want to live.

 ***

Surprisingly the Captain was the first one to warm up to him and didn’t mind to share breakfast with Loki. They were both early risers and Stark only went to bed in the morning. Loki pretended that he didn’t notice the widow lurking in the shadows, observing him. They may know that he hadn't actedt on his own, that his mind had been tortured and confused, but that didn’t mean that they trusted him. Perhaps it was even smart not to do so.

Doctor Banner seemed to feel something similar to pity for Loki, but still avoided him. Loki didn’t mind, he spent most of his time with Stark anyway. S.H.I.E.L.D had said something about not using any magic when they weren’t preparing for Thanos arrival, but when Stark saw Loki moving the Rubik’s cube with his mind, he uttered a loud “Fuck them!”

Alone with Stark in his workshop Loki felt like a child again. Doing little tricks to entertain his friend. Not only to entertain, Stark wanted to understand. He was amazed by everything Loki could do with his mind, a click of his fingers. Admiration was shining through his eyes and Loki found unknown pleasure in tutoring Stark about magic.

Loki had forgotten so many things, but he vowed to never forget the expression on Stark’s face when he saw Loki shape shifting for the first time. So full of awe and appreciation. “This is the coolest thing ever!”

Stark blatantly touched him to check if the woman in front of him was a mere illusion and Loki didn’t mind. Not even when Stark asked him a thousand questions. About how it felt, if the transformation hurt, if he was able to have his periods or if he had fooled around as a woman. Soon after that Stark had the idea to pull a prank on Cap by having Loki hitting on him. As Thor.

They didn’t see the other Avengers for a whole week and Stark decided to use the time by teaching Loki a few things Midgard. It had to do with Hobbits, Stormtroopers and Klingons.

 ***

One night they were working on a way how to combine Stark’s technology and Loki’s magic as a potential weapon against Thanos. Hours passed like seconds and Loki couldn’t help to notice the absence of Stark’s usual playfulness. “Is something wrong?”

Stark was playing with a screwdriver, like he always did when he was nervous. “What… what is going to happen to you if Thanos… if he ever gets a hold of you again?”

A shiver ran down Loki’s spine and he took a deep breath to chase the bad memory away. Like he had practiced. It was a justified question, Stark didn’t want to hurt him by asking. “I am not sure. Now I might react way better to physical torture then I did before… most likely though he would toss me back into the darkness. Watching me lose my mind…”

He could hear Stark swallow loudly and lowered his eyes so he didn’t have to look at him. It didn’t make a difference though, because Stark’s fingers brushed over his arm where the scratches had been. “Are you scared?”

“Of losing my minds? I’m terrified. All the time. Of dying? No.”

“I’d feel better if you were afraid of dying.”

“Are you?”

Looking up Loki saw Stark smiling, although it didn’t quite reach his eyes. Still there was honesty to be found in it. “I’m fucking scared shitless that you might die. Sometimes I still see you bleeding out on that floor. I had Jarvis watching you 24/7, because I’m scared.”

“I thought it was Fury’s condition to watch me, so I wouldn’t cause trouble.”

Stark laughed and shook his head. “Pretty good excuse, hmm? It helped me sleep peacefully when I knew that you were in your room and still breathing.”

If Thanos had attacked that night, they would have been utterly helpless, because when Stark leaned over the table and kissed him, working on their defences was the last thing on their minds.

It was absurd. He was a mere mortal, an inhabitant of the world Loki had tried to conquer and when his lips left Loki’s, he suddenly remembered what it was like to be afraid of death.

*** 

Loki woke up panting, having no idea where he was. Tony’s arm was still loosely wrapped around his waist, his face buried in the crook of Loki’s neck. If this body against his was so warm, why did Loki feel so cold?

Next to him Tony stirred, pulling him closer. “Nightmare?”

“I… don’t know. It was so cold. Like ice.”

Lips brushed over his cheek, Tony grabbed his hand and put it on Loki’s own chest, over his heart, pressing it against the skin. “Feel that… you’re perfectly warm. It’s fine.” Taking Loki’s other hand Tony guided it to the arc reactor and the metal around it. “Even if your skin was cold… nothing wrong with that. I’m cold too…”

Smiling softly Loki closed his eyes and concentrated on the cool metal under his fingers. It felt familiar and reassuring. Home.

“I’ve always dreamed about having an insomniac boyfriend. You really are my perfect match.”

“I thought you wanted me for the endless possibilities of pranks my magic offers.”

“Yeah, that too. You’re also hot.”

Chuckling softly Tony rolled on top of Loki, kissing him lightly before running his fingers through his hair. “It’s three in the morning. No point in going back to sleep.”

Wrapping his arms around Tony Loki reopened his eyes, because his need to see the look on the other’s face was almost unbearable. Loki was fond of Tony’s eyes, they were beautiful, deep brown and warm. They could never betray Tony’s feelings. Right now they were full of desire and adoration. Loki was being adored by Tony Stark.

Only one time Loki had asked him why and Tony had replied because he was worth it.

Loki was worth being adored by Tony Stark. An extraordinary human being.

“You do indeed love being an insomniac.” Loki tilted his head up and Tony gladly met him in a deep, heated kiss. “It has its advantages if you live in a tower with five other persons who won’t leave you the fuck alone during the day… one of them being your…”

Quickly Loki covered Tony’s mouth with his hand. “Don’t you dare...”

When he pulled his hand away again Loki found Tony grinning at him before he captured his lips in a new kiss. No talking necessary anymore and that did indeed mean something between two people who enjoyed nothing more than talking and working off on each other. Except for this maybe. Tony’s hands that explored Loki’s body like for the very first time, eagerly and relentlessly. Mirroring how Loki felt about him. This mortal never stopped surprising Loki. Sometimes Tony kissed him like he was drowning, sometimes he took him so tenderly in his arms as if he was afraid Loki might break or run away. Then again he just pushed Loki down on the bed, ripped his clothes off, held him down and kissed him breathless while he took him. Other days he pulled Loki into his arms, kissed him endlessly and took things slowly.

Tonight it was something in between. Deep kisses that left him panting, slow thrusts that made him yearn for more and Loki urged him, wrapping himself around his lover till he would finally go faster.

Most of Loki’s nights were like this and he loved all of them.

 ***

The foul smell of burned flesh crawled into Loki’s nose before he even felt that the torrid pain spreading in his stomach. With a growl he sent out a blast of concentrated energy and Thanos henchman turned to dust. Gasping for air Loki squeezed his eyes shut for a second to catch his breath and to shake off the dizziness.

“Are you alright?”

Hawkeye was the closest to him and had obviously seen what had happened. Loki cursed him inwardly for a second, because he heard Tony’s voice over the intercom just a second later. “Loki? What happened? You’re okay?”

Quickly Loki looked up and he saw the red armour up in the sky, fighting along with Thor against an endless army of Thanos creatures. At least he wasn’t instantly coming down here. Loki shot Hawkeye a dark glance who did indeed look guilty and mouthed a silent ‘Sorry’ between shooting two different arrows at their enemies.

“I’m fine. Don’t worry. Stay focused.”

“Loki’s right. Another wave is approaching.” Nodding to himself Loki agreed with the Captain and muttered another “I’m good” before he shut of the intercom. The battlefield was chaotic, filled with screams, sounds of fighting and people dying. They were being overrun and Loki couldn’t afford to lose any more time. It would hurt, there was a strong chance he was going to pass out from the pain and then one of their enemies would kill him within seconds.

Leaving the blade wasn’t an option, Loki knew their weapons and it would soon start poising his blood. Gritting his teeth Loki closed his fingers around the blade and yanked it without hesitation from his flesh. Screaming in pain Loki dropped to his knees, his abdomen exploding with pain. His hand covered the wound, getting sticky with blood. The enchantment of the blade kept his own magic from healing it completely, but he could slow the blood loss down. Panting hard Loki gathered his magic and lashed out at the two monsters he felt sneaking up behind him. They fell dead to the ground and Loki straightened up again. For a second it was difficult to stay on his feet, but then suddenly everything came to a halt.

The sounds of explosions, groans and metal hitting metal subsided. All the destruction and death around him turned to grey and Loki felt as if time had stopped.

His black cloak stood out against the grey background, it was blowing in the wind. It was hard to tell if he was even aware of his surroundings, the expression on his face was utterly unimpressed. Loki ignored the pain, tried to stand steady and dignified on his own feet. No way Loki would face him gasping for air, bleeding and confused.

“What are you doing here?”

A question not worthy of the god of lies, people were dying like flies all around him. Where else should he be but here? He had been here all along. Perhaps that was the reason why he didn’t get an answer. Instead the other one only returned his gaze, his eyes of an indefinable colour. A distant memory in some dark corner of his mind told Loki that he had once been beautiful. That there had never been someone as gorgeous and bright.

Now he was an old man whose beauty had long faded away. His hair had lost its shine, it was faint, hanging down over his shoulders. A sickly tone barely coloured his skin and there was no brightness or passion in his eyes. The proud and all-consuming demeanour was gone. All that was left was a small figure that Loki was completely indifferent too.

Taking in his sight couldn’t distract Loki from the pain any longer and he let out a groan through clenched teeth. He might be wounded, but that wouldn’t stop him. He was a god, a fighter and thanks to his magic stronger than he had ever been before.

“I’m in pain, but I can stand it. This wound isn’t going to kill me, I know it and you know it too. So why are you here?” Loki’s voice started out quietly, but with every word he got more confident and angrier until he was shouting. Wanting him to disappear, to never come back again. “Why are you here? I don’t want you anymore! I can tell you don’t want me either, so leave!”

This time Loki got his reply and before the last word had been carried away by the wind he turned into utter darkness and horror. “I’m not here for you, Loki.”

Loki understood and the pain spread across his whole body when the other turned his gaze towards the sky. To a flash of bright red light.

“No…” Shaking his head Loki looked at him and saw two lifeless holes in a skull, filled with darkness, agony and torment. Its heinousness told Loki to stay away, to flee, but that didn’t matter now. Loki ran towards him, letting all his magic flow, accessing every bit of power he had and directed it at the monster in front of him. Everyone of Thanos’ henchmen in striking distance of Loki died screaming, burning alive.

The world started turning again, but Loki never reached his destination. A loud bang cut through the air and Loki was once again caught in darkness. It was closing in on him, settling as a weight on his chest and he was dancing on the rope again. Though Loki wasn’t falling.

Tony was.

Fear wasn’t paralyzing him, but made Loki act. He teleported, grabbed the falling red armour and teleported back to the ground again, just a few feet away from the actual battle. Gathering the motionless body in his arms Loki fell to his knees, not bothering that the rubble was cutting into his legs. His hand was shaking when Loki tore the mask off the suit and whispered Tony’s name although he already knew that there would be no answer.

With a softness Loki didn’t know he possessed he let his fingertips brush over Tony’s cheek. He felt so warm like he always did. Loki wanted to keep him like that, pulled him tightly against his chest and wished he had the time to make the armour disappear, to feel Tony’s skin on his own. To keep him warm, to fight off the coldness that was already starting to claim him. No, it couldn’t have him. Tony had protected Loki, freed him from the grip the claws of the cold had had on him. Why couldn’t Loki do the same for him?

Footsteps resounded in front of him.

No, he wouldn’t let them take him. Loki had failed to protect Tony from the cold, but he would protect him from anything and anyone else. They wouldn’t have him.

Loki screamed and Thanos’ minions turned to dust before they could even put a finger on him or Tony.

He couldn’t linger here. Not when the fight was being lost. Tony’s fight.

Taking a breath Loki choked back the tears and gently touched Tony’s cheek once more before his fingers slowly slid those brown eyes shut. For a moment that would never be long enough Loki kept kneeling there, holding Tony tight, keeping him safe.

Hardening his own soul and not allowing himself to feel the pain Loki carefully laid him down, before standing up. The god of lies turned around to face the battle again and forced the only thought he had off his mind.

Why didn’t he make him promise too?

 ***

The last time Loki saw him he was more beautiful than he had ever been before. Brown eyes shining with life and love, dark tousled hair, a playful, cocky grin on his lips.

When he held his hand out to Loki, he took it without second thought. It was warm, soothing and lifted the clouds from Loki’s head and made the pain go away. This time it wouldn’t come back.

He spoke with the sound of Tony’s voice and Loki closed his eyes to get lost in it. “It is going to be alright. Everything is fine. Come with me, Loki.”

And Loki did.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you very much for all the comments and kudos, I hope you enjoyed reading this little shot :)


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